Yuck

Everytime I get to a point where I feel good, something comes up and sends me back to rock bottom. It is almost as if everyone has a master plan to tear me down.

As if that doesn't sound paranoid enough.

I would give anything for more than a couple of weeks of calm and happiness.
It is times like this that I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep.

Damn
damn
damnity damn

My Father

I spent Sunday afternoon in the hospital with my father.

We talked a bit and then he dozed off in his bed. I knew he was sleeping since I heard him snore for the first time in weeks. He was out, gone, relaxed.

Despite the hellish racket that is my father's snores, it was good. Peaceful. Things seemed right for the first time in quite a while.

I can tell stories about dad's snoring. How relatives have slept in their cars while visiting us to escape the fiendish howling he emits, but that isn't for here or now.

I relaxed and dozed off in the chair next to his bed. As I said, all was good.

When I awoke (snoring had stopped) I noticed that dad was awake and Bob Wills and the Texas Playboys were on the radio. If you don't know Bob Wills or listen to country swing music, run a search, find a tune or two, and listen.

It is the music of my childhood. I hated it then, but as an adult I have grown to enjoy the things that my father shared with me.

It was peaceful sitting there with my dad, listening to Bob Wills, thinking of how long and funny our journey has been.

I was sad when my mother arrived and broke our little silence.

I love you 2

My original post was short and probably fruity.

Sometimes it is so hard to reach deep down inside and pull things out without mucking them up.

I can and will say this, about it all;
Secret love is sad, intense, and probably nowhere near as satisfying as I want it to be.

Secret love is what keeps me going. No matter how good or sad I feel in can stroke it and know that it is all mine.

Secret love is selfish and that is what makes it feel so good.
It can feel bad, dirty, and satisfying or it can feel warm and compassionate.

Secret love is lonely.
The more lonely it is the more dangerous it gets.

For me, there are levels of secret love.

The strongest and most dangerous is love.
Unbridled passion and yearning.
It makes me burn.
Smoldering desire to stroke a finger or cheek.
Part of me dies when or if the love disappears.

The most fun and happy is the crush.
Just like when you were a teenager, only better.
It makes me smile.
If a crush fades, I can still smile because all is good.


So what more should I say?
Not sure here.

I know my secret life keeps me going when I try and crawl up inside my head and hide.

I love you

I love you
I can never tell you how or why.
The way your skin feels, the way your eyes sparkle
These are things that drive me mad
I want nothing more than to caress your check,
hold you close
To whisper in your ear

Despite my silence
I hope you know
I wish you felt the longing that I do
Just one look
One grasp

one short, passionate kiss
But it can never be

Humping Day

On another blog that I read, someone referred to Wednesday as "Humping Day."
This little remark still makes me laugh, which is what makes it so damn important.

Laughter is the stuff of legend.
When my wife asked me what made her important to me, I replied without hesitation, "You make me laugh."

In my book there isn't a bigger compliment I can give.

If you make me laugh you take away my pain.
If you make me laugh you lift me up and put a twinkle in my eye.

Maybe I am just some sort of freak on this one, but since I seem to spend to so much time hiding inside myself and feeling miserable, laughter is good magic.

And maybe that is the key.
Laughter is magic.
It is something that can reach down inside of us and pull the good out and wash away the darkness.

I have laughed so hard that I couldn't breathe.
I have laughed till I cried.

Thank you for "Humping Day" because it makes me laugh inside and out. It crinkles my eyes up at the corners and makes me look like a fool.

Laughing

I know I promised more writing, and amazingly enough I have been putting some rough ideas down, but...

Yesterday was Sunday....

So,
I am laughing.

Every week my wife's church (without fail) prays as a group for "Peace in the Middle East" and the "Safe return of all of our soldiers".

My problem with that is I have a funny feeling that God knows what is going on and how we feel.
The only way the problem is going to get solved is for people to pull their heads out of their butts and solve it.

It goes back to my thoughts on free will.
God gave us what we need, but most of the time we are too foolish to use it. Instead, we pray to God for help or guidance.

WHY FOLKS?
WHY?
WHY DO THEY PRAY EVERY STINKING WEEK for something that God is probably laughing at us about?
Why don't they figure out the cure to the problem?

The short answer is because they are human.
The longer answer is that organized religion lets you believe that the longer and harder you pray for something, the more likely it is to happen.

All I can say is "Don't hold your breath".

My answer is "Use what God gave you and figure the answers out."

I doubt they will get it.

Spirituality

Hope I spelled the title correctly.

One thing that I am not too lost about is my religious beliefs.
They are actually pretty simple.

I believe in God. One God. The God.
See, that was simple.

I believe in praying to thank, not praying for things. Be happy and grateful, not greedy and needy.
Still simple.

I believe that God wants us to be good, but he gave us free will. It is ours to use, abuse and deal with. It is a great gift, we just screw it up a lot. Freewill is the reason I don't pray for things. God gave me most of the tools I need to survive. Asking for more is like saying "Thanks, but it wasn't enough."

Free will is tricky, but I think I get it.
It is a little less simple, but clear.

I believe that you go to church because YOU want to. Because you value it and enjoy it.
I don't believe God wants you to go to church OR ELSE.
If you are putting of axe murdering vibes, stay out of church. Chill. Get some perspective. Go thank God Next sunday if you don't kill someone.

I think the whole Catholics hate Protestants hate Jews hate Muslims hate Christians hates Buddhists hate Hindus thing is crap. God loves us all. He doesn't give a flip what flavor your belief is as long you believe in HIM.

I think God has a soft spot for Athiests. He doesn't hate them. I think they are some sort of practical joke. I bet they all get into Heaven.
Now things get murky.

I don't know if I believe in Heaven. I don't know if I believe in an afterlife.
Just not sure on that part.

I don't think I believe in the Devil.
I do believe that God is all.
God is good and evil.
If Christians believe in the Holy Trinity, then my idea of the two faces (good/evil) of God isn't so damn strange.

Here goes the big step off the deep end.
I am not sure about the divinity of Jesus.
Prophet, yes, son of God, I ain't sure.

More later